cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
