I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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