Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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