Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
