I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
