Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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