I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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