I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
