Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
