whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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