mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
