One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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