I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
