My friends, they love my intelligence
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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