im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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