May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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