Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
