You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
