I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
