this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
