My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
