Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
