capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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