3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
as a side note pls kill me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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