you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
