I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
