I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
