I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
