quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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