i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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