If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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