you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
please don't ironically join a cult
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