Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
