Don't make out with my wife yet
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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