if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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