i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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