Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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