Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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