Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
