Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
