I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I just sharted jello shots
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