just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
