K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
