I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
