I looked at my own cervix.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's always time for handjobs
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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