Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
