Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
