So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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