i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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