i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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