I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Michael Bay diarrhea
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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