Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
