Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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